Reflections: One Year With a Brain Tumor

This January 2nd marked the one year anniversary of Eli's diagnosis with a craniopharyngioma. Thinking back on that fateful day it is hard to believe that it has already been one year. Some of the memories are so clear still, so close to the surface I can still feel them, still see them as if they happened just yesterday. On the other hand, we have become so accustomed to the routine, to the daily meds, the shots, the many doctors visits that they fade into the background and seem insignificant. Brain tumor life has almost become normal life. I say almost, because I don't know if it will ever really seem normal.

Thinking about it all, I believe I should have some new perspective, some wisdom, some insight to offer about life with cancer in this New Year...but I don't. While I have learned so much about medicine, about the resilience of my son, the strength of my marriage, the amazing support of my friends and family, my perspective, my insight into the world, into "reality" has not changed. Granted, I have learned an immense amount about myself, my need for control, my ability to forgive, my desire to repair, my quest to educate - but these traits have always been present, they just became pronounced.

Cancer has not given me a "golden light" with which to view the world. It has not provided me with some new-enlightened perspective or zen-like take on life. I have not found God nor rejected him. However, it has been brought to my attention that what has happened to me is something much more human (to borrow a term bestowed upon me by another); I have become a "warrior." Strong, tenacious, arduously studious, strategic, courageous, forgiving, determined, methodical, demanding, cautious, aggressive, diligent, precise, loyal and merciful. These traits can be used for beneficence as well as maleficence. They have both positive and negative attributes. Sometimes they make me proud, other times they make me cry. Others who face tough-life-altering changes will respond differently - some will find enlightenment, others the infinite blessings of the world, others total darkness.

Eli's diagnosis the day after the New Year allows for a unique opportunity to reflect. Over the years I imagine my beliefs and reflections will change. It will be interesting to compare this year's thoughts with next years. So until then I have an entire year to make resolutions and watch my child grow and prosper - for which I am ever thankful.

Thanks for listening,
Meagan